Advanced Communication Skill: Empathy

The term empathy was first used in 1909 by E. B. Titchener referring to an “instinctive tendency we have to feel ourselves into the things we perceive or imagine” (Gantt, 2005, p. 1). Empathy involves a counselor feeling or sharing the emotional state of the client. It’s differentiated from sympathy where one “feels-for” someone. Empathy is “feeling-with” someone. As a therapeutic technique, empathy facilitates effective communication and promotes a stronger relationship between client and counselor.

In my work with counselors who want to create meaningful relationships with clients, I teach advanced communication techniques for conveying empathy to clients.

3 Steps for Showing Empathy

Step 1: Create a safe and nurturing environment for the client. This is both literal and figurative. The area should be uncluttered and private. The counselor should be a calming presence.

Step 2: Use encouraging behaviors to prompt the counseling client to share more information about his/her life circumstance. These include non-verbal cues such as open body posture and verbal cues such as “um,” “I see,” and “tell me more.”

Step 3:  Truly listen to the client’s words and observe non-verbal cues. Every single ounce of attention needs to be focused on the client. Try to see where the client is coming from and what s/he is experiencing.

Formula for Showing Empathy

Once the counselor has created a safe and nurturing environment and the client has opened up about what is going on in their life, the counselor can accurately reflect the client’s feelings. Identify the key emotions of the client and restate the emotions back to the client to clarify and focus attention on the client’s feelings. The basic formula for displaying empathy:

You feel…..(name the emotion expressed by the client)

because…..(name the thoughts, experiences, and behaviors the client has mentioned).

One may want to include a disclaimer beforehand such as “let me see if I have this right” or “please tell me if this is accurate.”

Through the use of the advanced communication skill of empathy, counselors can continue to follow their noble calling of helping others and creating meaningful relationships with clients.

Reference

Gantt, E. E. “Empathy.” Encyclopedia of Human Development. 2005. SAGE Publications. Newbury Park, CA.

For Counselors, How To Show Empathy: 3 Steps & 1 Formula is a post from: dr. thea lobell: communication skills speaker, trainer, and retreat leader

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1. Cry. Sweat. Rejoice. Taking Care of Yourself in Victim Services
2. A Double Life Analogy For Child Abuse Victims

During metamorphosis, the tadpoles lose their gills and develop lungs. They also lose their tails and grow limbs.  As adult frogs, they live on land.  When one sees a frog in the yard, it’s hard to believe that it had to start its life in the water as a tadpole. The skill sets required for each organism is different dependent on the life stage.

When children are in an abusive environment, the focus is survival and self-preservation. They are like the tadpoles, underwater, trying to avoid becoming a snack for a predatory fish. Some of the skills required for children during abuse include: avoidance, trying to diffuse the situation, and looking out for siblings.

I once worked with a very young girl who would make a sandwich and eat in her closet to try to avoid nightly beatings. She hoped that her mother would pass out before remembering she had children. In working with this little girl, I reinforced her positive coping skills and how much those skills would serve her in her life.

Children who have been abused and neglected need to be reassured that the abuse episode of their lives is over. While the tadpole did not have any control over being in the water, the frog has legs and is able to roam wherever she likes.

The overwhelming majority of tadpoles do not survive to become frogs. Clients who have survived physical, sexual, and emotional abuse need to be reassured that they are strong and that they are not victims, they are survivors just like the tiny percentage of tadpoles who become frogs.

In working with adult victims of child abuse, I’ve seen individuals who have difficulties leaving that part of their life behind. I think if we can help clients see that before they were one way- vulnerable and weak. Now that they have undergone their own metamorphoses, they are strong, with a completely different life.  Just like the frog is completely different than the tadpole, they now have new lives where they can flourish.

A Double Life Analogy For Child Abuse Victims is a post from: dr. thea lobell: communication skills speaker, trainer, and retreat leader

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1. if you have something around for more than a week it becomes invisible
2. Cry. Sweat. Rejoice. Taking Care of Yourself in Victim Services

Once we have something around for more than a week it becomes invisible to us. Take a moment and look around your office with fresh eyes as though you’re seeing it for the first time.

Is there clutter? Are you displaying knick knacks from years of gifts you didn’t want to put in your home? Do you have piles of paperwork around? This is the time to clear your office of clutter, knick knacks, and paperwork.

If you are working with victims of child abuse, sexual assault, or other violence, think about it from their perspective.  They have just gone through probably the worst event in their lives. They need to be surrounded with order and calmness. Disorganization and piles of paper convey a message that someone is overworked and stressed.

Your goal is to make your office a sanctuary for victims, a place where when they walk in they feel comfortable and ready to share about their experience. After you’ve cleaned your office, there are 2 required items you need to purchase or bring from home: a small lamp and a living plant.

Overhead lighting is cold and impersonal. Even adding a small $9.99 lamp adds a needed coziness and warmth to the space. Lastly, add a small house plant. Having something that’s living adds another dimension that fosters a comfortable environment. Plants are inexpensive at home improvement stores, so you can purchase a new one as the plant begins to age.

While the goal is to create a warm and nurturing environment for victims, you will be pleasantly surprised at how much better you feel and how much more you get accomplished in this newly streamlined space.

if you have something around for more than a week it becomes invisible is a post from: dr. thea lobell: communication skills speaker, trainer, and retreat leader

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1. Cry. Sweat. Rejoice. Taking Care of Yourself in Victim Services

Working in victim services and advocacy puts professionals at risk of burnout and vicarious traumatization. It’s imperative to take the steps necessary to take care of yourself, your staff, and your colleagues.

We are composed of mind, body, and spirit. Deposits need to be distributed across all 3 aspects of our lives.

Mind:

1.  Cry. In victim services, you hear horrendous stories. People are seeing you after they’ve had the worst experiences of their entire lives. It is okay to be moved and deeply saddened by what you hear. As professionals, we are trained to remain professional and somewhat detached. During meetings with clients, it should be about the client and it’s not the right time to cry. When you are by yourself, give yourself permission to cry…to even bawl if you feel like it. Honor yourself and the person’s story by truly feeling the emotions that are evoked. Crying can be a catharsis that frees you to move on to the next emotion.

Body:

2. Sweat. Our bodies need a physical release after stressful situations such as court, counseling, and working with challenging individuals. Doing something physical for as little as 10 minutes each day can make a positive difference in your mental state. Find an activity where you really sweat. Something that makes your hair wet and you feel sweat dripping down the middle of your back. When you find something that makes you sweat profusely, your mind will be absorbed in whatever you are doing and you will get the much needed physical release. Group activities such as playing basketball or singles tennis are great choices to connect with others at the same time as sweating. I have recently discovered an aerobic class called Zumba. It is an exercise class based on high energy salsa and hip hop dancing. It is loads of fun and there is tons of sweating. Find an activity you truly enjoy that makes you sweat.

Spirit:

3. Rejoice. Sing. Be happy. Be in the moment. Find and play a song that you can’t hear without singing out loud. Try to do this once a day.

By following the cry, sweat, rejoice progression, you will honor your experience and make deposits that you will then be able to share with others in need. You can download a longer article expanding on these thoughts, Cry. Sweat. Rejoice. 10 tips for taking care of yourself in victim services.

You are following a noble calling in your life, helping victims on their journeys from being victims to becoming survivors.  By taking care of your mind, body, and spirit you will be prepared to make a difference in people’s lives every day. Cry. Sweat. Rejoice.

Cry. Sweat. Rejoice. Taking Care of Yourself in Victim Services is a post from: dr. thea lobell: communication skills speaker, trainer, and retreat leader

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