The 2 Words that can KILL a relationship
October 1st, 2010
In any type of relationship, personal or professional, there are 2 words that can be the kiss of death – you are. Positive communication involves engaging others. Saying “you are” is poison to a relationship, puts people on the defensive and leads them to disengage. Last week while working with a trainer, he told me “you are cynical.” Immediately, my hackles went up and I said “no, I’m not. I see the best in people and help them achieve their goals. I speak on communication skills. If I were cynical, I wouldn’t think people could change.” He replied “you are cynical, you talk about not believing everything people tell you. I’m optimistic and open. I always believe people.” When I left training that day, I felt hurt, disappointed, and confused. As a client, my goal is to receive the service I pay for and feel good about it. While the trainer provided the service I paid for, he failed with the feel good component. As I considered his comment, I realized that he probably meant the word skeptical not cynical, a characteristic that is a part of my personality. However, the damage to the relationship was done. The next day while speaking with someone at the gym, a woman asked me about my trainer and if I would recommend him. I said no.
The words “you are” are incredibly powerful. By stating them, one is making broad judgments of another’s personality. Before using such powerful words, think “what is my goal for this communication” and “can I say this a different way?” The only time the words “you are” are warranted, is if they are used positively – “you are such a hard worker, you are an open person, you are an asset to our company, etc.”
To Think About:
When did you last say “you are” to someone? What was their response?
